I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
