What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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