having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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