I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
