Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
