I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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