If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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