he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
someone threw a dead crab at me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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