it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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