Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
