It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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