I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
