I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
