I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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