i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
