No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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