DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
its not stalking. its research.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
