just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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