Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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