My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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