Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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