I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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