yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
