YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
