I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
