God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
