Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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