Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
