I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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