Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?