Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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