If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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