Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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