Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
