He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
