my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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