No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
