Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
