I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
