11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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