I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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