So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
