I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
