Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
