Your dad touched me again.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
