and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.