my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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