i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
