I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
