So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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