I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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