if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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