Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
