I faked an abortion last night.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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