so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
