I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
