the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
