I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
