i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
