Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
